


Coffee Shop AU

by measleyweasley



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, birdlaw, coffee shop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21949612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/measleyweasley/pseuds/measleyweasley
Summary: Charlie is absolutely going to make the Waitress fall in love with him this time. No way could this go wrong.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/The Lawyer (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	Coffee Shop AU

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays, ya filthy animals! Finally we have a coffee shop au for the BLCU (Bird Law Cinematic Universe)

Today’s the day, Charlie tells himself as he waits in line. Waitress is about to go off shift and Charlie has timed it just right so that he can order his coffee, ask her out, and they’ll be able to go on their date immediately and Waitress will realize she’s been madly in love with him the whole time. 

Charlie can’t fantasize for long because it’s almost his turn, the woman in front of him starting to sign the little electronic screen and Charlie has the element of surprise on his side because he knows Waitress hasn’t noticed him yet. Waitress hands the woman her receipt, checks her watch, and then Charlie’s stepping up to the counter and-

But only, Charlie isn’t stepping up. He isn’t stepping anywhere. Instead, he’s rooted to the spot, staring at the dude who just cut in front of him in surprise.

“Hey!”

The man ignores him, places his order, and only turns around to acknowledge Charlie when he pushes at his arm. The Jackass, as Charlie has dubbed him, turns around and Charlie finally has a good look at how tall he actually is. But that’s not enough to stop Charlie.

“You cut me in line! You can’t do that!” Charlie shrills.

Jackass sneers. “Cut you in line? What are you, five years old?” He turns back around to grab his receipt and the second he steps away Waitress is already removing her nametag and walking off as another girl takes her place.

“You ruined my chance!” Charlie shrieks, not even bothering to order, choosing instead to stomp over to where Jackass is impatiently waiting for his coffee. 

The guy puts his hand up, almost smacking Charlie in the face as he’s gotten into his personal space. 

“Oh my god, I do not have time for whatever this is.” He gestures in a rapid circle at Charlie with one hand and grabs for his coffee from a barista with the other before it can even hit the counter. 

“Fuck you and your coffee!” Charlie yells as he all but runs out of the coffee shop. He must’ve really scared him off, Charlie thinks proudly. 

***

Alright, last time didn’t go quite as Charlie had hoped. But it’s a new week, a new Charlie, and a new chance at love. 

He has a new tactic this time. He should’ve planned for some sort of mishap last time anyway, like Waitress going on break early or something. This time he’s more prepared. And, more importantly, this time there won’t be a jackass around to ruin Charlie’s amazing plan.

It’s the middle of Waitress’s shift this time and she’s on the floor rather than behind the counter today. This means Charlie won’t have such a limited window of time with her. He just needs to get her attention and make it so that she’s stuck with him for a few minutes. That way, he’ll have enough time to profess his undying love and invite her to sit and have a drink with him. 

When he sees that Waitress is a few feet away wiping off a table, Charlie “accidentally” knocks his coffee off his own table.

And right into some dude’s crotch.

“What the fuck!” the dude yells, obviously not used to strangers pouring hot liquids on him at ten o’clock in the morning. Charlie is about to apologize when he looks up.

“You!” the guy yells. “What is this, some kind of revenge for last week?”

“It was an accident!”

“Oh, my mistake. So you accidentally threw your coffee at me?” Dickhole raises his eyebrows in a mocking way, which Charlie thinks is a little rich coming from a guy currently molesting himself with napkins. 

“I was trying to spill my coffee so that waitress would come over here and clean it up,” Charlie says, pointing to where Waitress is ignoring a table of customers trying to get her attention as she picks at her nails. 

“Oh I’m sure you have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why you were doing that. Absolutely nothing creepy going on here.” He smiles in that way that lets Charlie know he doesn’t really mean it. 

“I just wanted her to have a reason to come over here so I could talk to her.” 

There’s a little judgmental scrunch going on between Dick Supreme’s brows. “What, by making her do even more work she doesn’t want to do? How’s that working out for you?”

“Shut up.”

“Maybe try something a little less obvious next time,” he says, dumping the stained napkins on Charlie’s table. _Well fuck you too,_ he thinks.

***

The next plan involves binoculars. He ends up crouched behind the potted plant next to Jabroni’s table.

“When I offered you advice I didn’t mean you should involve me in your little scheme.”

Charlie shifts and spits a leaf out of his mouth. “It’s not like it’s illegal or anything.”

“No, but I think stalking might be.”

“What are you, a lawyer?”

***

Turns out that yes, he is a lawyer and no, he won’t tell Waitress what’s going on as long as Charlie pays for his coffee too.

“This is blackmail and blackmail is definitely illegal, dude,” Charlie says as he forks over the crumpled bills to today’s barista.

“You’re more than welcome to tell your waitress why I’m blackmailing you.” Lawyer smiles. Charlie has renamed him if only for the sake of simplicity.

Charlie regrets it as he grumbles and shoves his change into the tip jar. 

“If you’re getting free coffee out of this you may as well help,” Charlie says. He knows it’s a weak argument so he’s brought up short when Lawyer agrees.

“Wait, really?”

“It’s not like I have anything better to do on my lunch break.”

Fair enough, Charlie thinks, and they begin to plan.

***

“Frond? Pond? Jond?”

“And what, pray tell, is a jond?”

“Shut up and tell me a word that rhymes with blond.”

“How can I tell you a word that rhymes with blond if I’m not supposed to talk?”

Charlie kicks him under the table.

"Why are you even going to all this trouble?" Lawyer asks after another few minutes of brainstorming. "What about this barista is so special?"

"First of all, she's a waitress, she's just like, temping as a barista," Charlie says defensively as he doodles a rooster. "Second of all, she's like, a really good person."

"She tried to steal your change yesterday."

"Look man," Charlie huffs. "I can't explain the like, exhortations of my heart or whatever," he says, ignoring how Lawyer raises his eyebrows and mouths the words "exhortations" to himself. "She's a real sweetheart deep down, okay? I can just tell."

"But you don't really know. Have you ever talked to her outside a transaction?"

Charlie stills his doodling, Lawyer's non-question question making his pause. "A few times, but not for too long, I guess-but I know I can trust my feelings, you know?" He looks up at Lawyer who's been watching him draw. "Like instinct or whatever."

"Intuition," Lawyer corrects. 

"Yeah, that one." Charlie resumes his doodling. "But that's the whole point of this plan. If I talk to her, I know I'll love her even more. And if she's like me then she'll get that feeling, too, like she Knows me, right?"

Lawyer doesn't respond to that, a weird shadow coming over his face as he gets up. "Restroom," he says by way of explanation, and walks off. 

Lawyer does come up with ‘wand’ eventually, and offers to write out Charlie’s love poem when he sees him start to scribble, so Charlie lets it go. It’s not the most sophisticated plan, but it’s a plan nonetheless.

“Tell her it’s from her secret admirer!” Charlie shout-whispers as Lawyer gets up.

“Buy me another coffee,” he shoots back.

“Dude, come on, that’s like the third coffee this week!”

“If you actually manage to ask this Waitress out then you won’t have to buy me anymore coffees.”

“I wouldn’t need to buy you any coffees if you would just give her the goddamn poem!” Charlie's shrieks at a pitch only dogs should be able to hear.

Lawyer raises his eyebrows but goes and delivers the poem anyway to Waitress who's looking bored where she's been refilling the same sugar shaker for the past five minutes. 

Charlie can’t hear what they’re saying but Waitress giggles and for a horrible moment Charlie envisions her throwing the poem aside and dragging Lawyer in for a kiss, his hands grabbing her thighs and hoisting her up around his waist. But before Charlie can get too far into nightmare territory Lawyer is walking back to the table.

“Well?”

“She said she’ll read it when she goes on break.”

Charlie’s heart practically stops when the Waitress comes back and gives them the finger before crumpling up the poem and throwing it in the trash.

“What the fuck did you do?”

“Oh thanks a lot." Lawyer gives him a flat look before staring down at his empty mug. "She must not be a poetry person. Guess we’ll have to try something else.”

As they leave, Charlie gets a nagging feeling. He makes sure Lawyer isn't looking before surreptitiously grabbing the poem out of the trash.

***

“Seriously man, I don’t get it. What are we doing wrong?” 

Mac pats his shoulder consolingly as Charlie thunks his head lightly against the bar. “Can I see the poem?”

“Here,” Charlie says after a moment of digging around in his pocket. 

As Charlie watches Mac read the nagging feeling he had earlier gets even worse.

“What? What does it say?” He asks as Mac’s eyes scan the last few lines. 

“Dude,” Mac starts, “You said she looks like one of those hairless cats and that she wouldn’t know how to make a latte if her life depended on it.”

Charlie _knew_ it. 

***

The next time Charlie sees Lawyer it’s on sight.

“You sabotaged my plan!”

Lawyer doesn’t say anything but he does rub his neck and that confirms it for Charlie.

“What the fuck, dude? Why would you do that? Am I some kind of joke to you?”

“Charlie, calm down, it’s not-” His sentence gets cut off when Charlie tackles him to the floor. It takes two baristas to pull them apart.

“I don’t need your bullshit help, I’ll figure it out on my own,” Charlie spits as he’s shoved out of the shop. 

***

Maybe the last few attempts weren’t great, but now Charlie has a foolproof plan that will not only get the Waitress off the clock but also make her realize Charlie is her one true love. It’ll also prove that Charlie doesn’t need any of Lawyer’s stupid advice, thank you very much. He hasn't seen him since the fight and he hopes he never does again.

“Uh-huh, that’s right, freak ferris wheel accident,” Charlie says, peering through the window to make sure that the Waitress is behind the counter. “We’re just as surprised as you, but if you could let her know that we need her to get to the hospital right away, I’m sure her mother would really appreciate it.”

Charlie hangs up then waits outside the shop. He’s so focused on watching the girl put the phone back in the receiver that he doesn’t notice when the shop door swings open until it’s smacking his face into the window.

“Fuck!” Charlie yells with feeling.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” His assailant asks gripping him by the shoulder and gently turning him around. Charlie wants to check to make sure his nose isn’t broken. It doesn’t feel like it, but it still stings and his hand comes away bloody.

“Here, take this,” the guy says, and now that Charlie’s vision isn’t clouded by pain he can see that- 

That it’s Lawyer holding out a handkerchief for him. He’s so surprised that he doesn’t take it, just stares with betrayal (betrayedly?) and lets blood drip down his face. When he makes no move to take it, Lawyer steps closer and gently applies pressure to Charlie’s nose. 

“Are you okay? What were you doing standing so close to the window anyway?” Lawyer squints at him. 

“It’s nub ob your bibness,” Charlie shoots back, taking the handkerchief from Lawyer. Lawyer raises an eyebrow. 

“Didn’t work, huh?” He says, not even pretending to feel bad for Charlie. He’s probably enjoying this, Charlie thinks bitterly.

“Well I don’t know yet, since you attacked me with a door!” Charlie says as the blood stops running. “She’s supposed to come out here while I’m waiting so I can ask her to get dinner with me.” Now that he’s said it, Charlie turns away from Lawyer and peers back through the window, but there’s no sign of Waitress behind the counter or anywhere else in the coffee shop. “Fuck, I missed her.” He turns back to glare at Lawyer. “Thanks a lot, man. You really didn't get your point across with the first sabotage.”

Lawyer has stopped looking concerned and is now firmly in the realm of annoyed. “Oh yeah, I’m so sorry your stalking plan didn’t work out. I feel absolutely terrible that you can’t follow some shitty barista home now.”

“She is a _waitress_!” Charlie screams. “And fuck you for real! I’m not like you, I can’t just go up to her and say hey, _I’m a rich hot lawyer with a giant dick! Would you like to go for dinner sometime?_ Fuck you, where do you get off giving me advice? I didn’t even want your stupid "help" in the first place! The Waitress may not like me, but at least she isn't making sure I'm alone forever for the hell of it!” Charlie throws the handkerchief on the ground and stomps off before Lawyer can say anything else. 

***

"Hi, Charlie."

"Uh." Charlie almost can't believe the Waitress is standing in front of him. _Talking_ to him. _Willingly_.

Waitress ignores what must be some pretty unsettling staring on Charlie's part and forges on. "Look, I know this is sudden, but that hot friend of yours came up to me and made like, a really compelling argument for why I should give you a chance."

Charlie keeps staring.

Finally, he finds his words.

"Is he paying you?"

"Fuck you, Charlie, I don't whore myself out," she glances off to the side, "not anymore anyway. He just said you were like, a good guy who's not great at making good impressions and that if I talked to you I might be able to tolerate you sometimes. My words, not his," She tacks on after a moment, rolling her eyes.

Charlie goes back to staring.

"So like, are you free this afternoon?"

Charlie smiles. "Not anymore."

***

The next time he sees Lawyer it isn’t an accident. Charlie sits himself down across from Lawyer and makes himself comfortable.

“What are you doing?”

"Explain." Lawyer looks like he's about to pretend like he doesn't know what Charlie's talking about, but something about Charlie's expression makes him fold.

He puts his work away primly. “I thought about what you said, and you were right.”

Charlie blinks. “Of course I was. Can you, uh, remind me what I was right about?”

“That you can’t just go up to the person you like and be yourself.”

“Right,” Charlie says, not sure where this is going.

“But I can.”

“What-”

“Shut up. Hi, I’m a rich hot lawyer with a dick proportional to my height. But I'm also rude and a giant idiot." Lawyer smiles bitterly. "And I know that _you_ are cute and earnest and a little deranged, but that’s what keeps things interesting. I was afraid I wouldn’t see you anymore so I sabotaged your 'plan'." Lawyer rolls his shoulders as if apologizing is physically uncomfortable for him.

Charlie's brow furrows. "But why?"

"I realized I had that feeling you talked about. About "knowing" and even though you were _literally_ stalking a woman I just knew you were...decent."

Charlie's about to scoff at that attempt at a compliment but Lawyer's not quite finished.

"I also think that waitress is an idiot for not wanting to date you."

"But you told her to go out with me anyway?"

"Yes."

"Even though you..."

"Like you? Yes. Like I said, giant idiot."

Charlie gapes. “But you were so mean to me!”

“I’m not good at flirting!”

“You hit me with a door!”

“That was an accident!”

Charlie fishes. “You cut in front of me in line!”

Lawyer rubs his neck. “Okay, that was a dick move." He stops rubbing and points emphatically. "But to be fair I didn't know you yet and I was running late.”

Charlie thinks this over. "Did you call her a hairless cat because you were jealous?"

Lawyer looks away embarrassedly. "Not my best moment."

Charlie stares at the table for a long time.

"And you really like me?"

Lawyer says, quietly, "Yeah, I really do."

Charlie finally steels himself and looks up. “One date." Lawyer looks ready to interrupt. "But I have to confess something too.”

“All right,” Lawyer says, hope and wariness clear in his voice as he waits for Charlie to continue.

“I fucking hate coffee.”

Lawyer gives a small smile. “I think we can find an alternative.”

For some reason, Charlie feels he might already have one.

They end up going on regular dates to a smoothie place around the corner and Charlie couldn’t be happier.

  
  



End file.
